Dealing with the army of volunteers in Beijing has not been easy. They're specifically trained not to say no to anyone, and they're instructed to refer everyone to another supervisor, even in cases where the volunteer might be able to provide an athlete or journalist with answers. In short, it's a system designed to create endless red tape and frustration.

Of course, there is an upside to this bureaucracy: the multitude of training guides that volunteers are using to learn how to deal with Westerners. I've gotten my hands on a copy of the Beijing Olympic Games Training Series: A Conversational English Reader. BOCOG -- the Beijing Olympic governing body -- is using it as a manual to teach volunteers how to react to any situation that might arise during the Games. Some of those situations just happen to be a bit unusual.

Here's one that -- as was the case with previous conversations designed to teach volunteers how to diffuse China-Japan tensions and deal with awkward pauses -- is reproduced in its entirety and is not edited. All non-sequiturs are theirs. The text is titled "Another foreign athlete drops in," from the "At the Olympic Village" section of the reader.

I cannot emphasize this enough: this really is a guide for exactly how volunteers are supposed to deal with athletes in this particular situation. Enjoy.

Athlete: Hey, man. How come you are here, too? I lost my key. Could you ask them to give me another one?

Volunteer: What? Again? You should have been more careful. Also, you should talk to them yourself and try to be independent.

Athlete: Come on. I've never talked to foreigners and you promised to take care of me, man. Besides, I've got to run for my laundry as well as Mark's. I am try to help, too.

Volunteer: Oh, don't worry. I have overheard everything. I am afraid you need to pay for a new key, though.

Athlete: Oh, I don't mind, sir. I'm prepared for the punishment that will be of some help to my absent-mindedness. Nothing is more important than having another key at this point.

Volunteer: Here is the form. Sign your name down below for your loss. And you will get another key in a few seconds. You will be charged and the bill will be sent to your room later.

Discussion

• July 30, 2008

  11:49 PM

  Flip Washington writes:

  So awesome . . . I wish everyone talked to me like this when I did something stupid:

  Flip: I have been arrested for lewd behavior for making kisses with the mannequin of local store. Come on, I've never talked to jail keepers before and you promised to take care of me.

  Volunteer/Girlfriend: It is fond of you. I have heard nothing. Here is the money for bail. You will pay with your freedom.

  Flip: Oh, I don't mind. Hey man, it is the fault of whiskey, huh?

  You're doing fine, fine work Daniel Oshinksy. Keep the ridiculousness and hilarity coming.

• October 12, 2010

  10:06 AM

  Lucienne Sevadjian writes:

  I'm not entirely sure where you were trying to head with this, but I found myself running around this update after a minute. I cannot say if I'm absolutely acceptant this, but it'd be great to see more entertaining scribbles such as this one in the future. I also have a DubStep community coming around here in the next couple of monthes if you might be interested in helping me locate upcoming artists to promote, or maybe trade links?