August 23, 2008 4:59 AM
A.M./P.M.: Headless Fuwas
I have never been an official mascot before, partly because I'm too tall to fit into most mascot costumes, and partly because if I'm going to humiliate myself, I should be at least able to get credit for it. But I'd say that I've been to enough sporting events to qualify as an amateur mascot expert. To go Nick Hornby on you right now, my top five favorite mascots of all time, in no particular order: that blob at Western Kentucky, Youppi!, Truman the Tiger, the Capital City Goofball and James Carville.There's one widely-accepted rule that mascots stick to: once you're in costume, you stay in costume. If the Oriole Bird starts walking around sans-beak at Camden Yards, kids might start crying, and then they're less inclined to buy lemonade or popcorn or Dippin' Dots, and that's not good for anyone.
But don't just take my word for it. In the wise words of Vince Vaughn -- spotted Thursday night at Club Bud -- from "Old School":
Beanie: Spanish what the hell are you doing?
Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo.
Beanie: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids.
Spanish: You're right, I'm sorry, sir.
Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.
Which brings me to my next point: if this "keep your head on" rule is widely-known in the States, then why hasn't it caught on in China?
During games, the Beijing Olympics' mascots -- the Fuwas -- come out to entertain the crowd. That the Chinese are entertaining crowds with a quintet of mascots that many in this country actually think are cursed is weird enough. But then the mascots go and take their heads off.
I'll refer you exhibit A above. Last night at the U.S.-Cuba men's baseball semifinal, the Fuwas came out mid-game for their regularly scheduled dance number. Three of them were prancing near first base. Then the Fuwa theme song started fading out. The BOCOG handlers started waving at the Fuwas to get off the field. They needed to run past the U.S. dugout, but simultaneously, the players were running back onto the field.
So the kids inside the Fuwas did what any sensible person wearing an oversized panda suit while attempting to avoid trampling semi-professional baseball players would do: they took off their heads.
Which, naturally, caused even more chaos around the stadium and a likely drop in the sale of Yili ice cream at the concession stands.
So keep your heads on, Fuwas. Don't scare the children.
It's 7 p.m. in Beijing, and 5 a.m. in Denver. Here are the stories that are making Olympic headlines on this Saturday evening/morning:
>Just when you though it couldn't get any weirder: the Chinese block all Google News searches for "China."
>On a related note, per the screenshot at right: I'm sensing a theme with Xinhua's China-related news this morning.>That iTunes Store's "Songs for Tibet" promotion didn't last too long.
>A fresh take on the scorpion-on-a-stick story.
>A new Beijing restaurant has opened that features a 110 yuan ($16.09) hamburger. It costs more than all of the meals I've had in the last three days combined.
>CCTV has made a last-minute alteration to their TV lineup and will televise the men's soccer final today.
>I can report that I saw three stars last night. The planetary kind. Which may not seem like much, but in the previous two months, I'd only seen a star once. Again, this is actually progress here in Beijing.
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