August 13, 2008 4:23 PM
The Oshinsky Corollary
Common sense rule #103: don't talk extemporaneously to reporters about topics you don't know and understand.The new Oshinsky corollary to common sense rule #103: don't even think about doing it in a foreign language.
Expansion: walking to my seat for the second game of the day's doubleheader, I knew Argentina was playing. But I couldn't find anyone who knew Argentina's opponent. It wasn't on the ticket. There weren't an excessive number of flags from one random country around the stadium. They hadn't even announced the match-up over the PA after the first game ended.
I've got my five yuan ($.73) beer in one hand and a package of Chinese ho-hos in my pocket. I'm almost to my section when I see a camera crew walking toward me. It's pretty easy to figure out that they're from Argentina, and based on their faces, it looks like they're having a tough time finding anyone who speaks Spanish.
One of them catches my eye. "¿Se habla español?" he asks. I hesitate, then nod yes. I haven't really spoken Spanish at any length in the last month or so. Agreeing to an interview and just hoping that the right words will fall out of my mouth is, at best, ambitious.
Or, at worst, exactly what actually happened. I'll describe what follows as a moment-by-moment reconstruction of the interview that spawned the Oshinsky corollary. The entire thing took less than two minutes.
Argentinean Journalist: ¿Cómo se llama?
My mouth: Dan.
My brain: Okay, good start. No: great start. You even threw in an accent there on "Dan." Keep it coming.
Argentinean Journalist: ¿Y su apellido?
My mouth: Oshinsky. [In English:] O-S-H-I-N-S-K-Y.
My brain: Okay, you screwed that one up. Spanish, Oshinsky. Keep it in in Spanish. You've got this.
Argentinean Journalist: ¿Qué se parece....
My brain: He's gonna ask something about how something seems to you. So just focus, dummy. Ignore the fact that he's talking way too fast for you.
Argentinean Journalist: ...del equipo de Serbia?
My brain: Wait -- they're playing Serbia? Serbia has a soccer team? No, don't say that out loud! Okay, think, brain. You don't know anyone on Serbia. Djokovic? No, he's tennis. Maybe just start talking about Croatia from this year's Euro Cup and see if he notices.
My mouth: Pues, el equipo de Serbia...
My brain: Alright, pause for effect. Not too long. This beer's not getting any colder. Why are the lights on that camera so bright? Should I switch the lead on my Nigerian story? Do I need a haircut? Yeah, it's been too long. Maybe I need to hire a translator to help me get a haircut. S%*#, am I still paused? Is this guy still here? Think, Oshinsky!
My mouth: ...su equipo de baloncesto es mejor que su equipo de fútbol.
My brain: That's what you came up with? They asked you about Serbian soccer and you said that their basketball team is better? Time to get the hell out of this thing.
Argentinean Journalist: ¿Y de Argentina?
My brain: Hey, you know people on that team!
My mouth: Sí, con Messi y Kun, dos 'cracks' del mundo...
My brain: Come on, finish a sentence, Oshinsky.
My mouth: ...Argentina es el mejor.
My brain: Coherency! Yes!
Argentinean Journalist: ¿Y por esta noche?
My mouth: Creo que Argentina con tres o...
My brain: Wait, what comes after tres again? Oh, yeah...
My mouth: ... o cuatro goals.
My brain: Spanish, you idiot. Gol, not goal. Hey, why's the camera guy laughing? Is Serbia really good at soccer and I just never noticed? Wait -- do Messi and Kun even play for Argentina? Is this thing live?
Argentinean Journalist: ¿Y un mensaje por...
My brain: Damn he talks fast. Hey, switch the beer to your left hand. It looks better feng shui that way. Is that an NBC logo on the camera? What the hell? Hold up. Did he stop talking? Is he waiting for me to respond?
My mouth: Umm.... what?
My brain: Wrong language, moron.
Argentinean Journalist: A message to the fans of Argentina.
My brain: You speak English?!? Why wasn't I informed of this earlier?
My mouth: Oh. Uh... ¡Viva Argentina!
My brain: Coherent. Brief. Genius. Use that soundbite. And let me go hide in shame, please.
Argentinean Journalist: Sí, muchas gracias, Dan.
My brain: Run before he changes his mind. Go. Now.
Upon returning to my seat, I then proceeded to accidentally speak Spanish to everyone in my row when passing them. Five minutes too late, of course.
For what it's worth: if any blog readers in Argentina see a dopey white guy failing to make sense on T.V., send me the link. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that I'm the new Argentinian "Boom goes the dynamite."
August 13, 2008
5:23 PM
Mallinson writes:
I'm confused . . . I thought the "Beijing Olympic Games Training Series: A Conversational English Reader" taught us yesterday that booze wasn't allowed in the stadium. Per the Reader:
Foreign spectator #1: Excuse me, where can we grab a couple of beers? I am so happy! Our team is leading in the game! I can drink a full bucket of beer!
Local volunteer: Well, congratulations! I do understand how you feel now, but nobody is allowed to have alcoholic drinks inside this stadium!
Foreign spectator #2: Are you kidding? I saw a beverage shop when I got in, just outside the exit down there. Don't they serve beers? That's disappointing!
- - - - - - - - - -
So the question is, how did you get your hands on that $0.73 ($0.73!?! . . . beautiful) brew? And wow . . . you could drink a one gallon bucket of beer for five dollars American. Communism at its finest, I say.