June 19, 2008 11:33 PM
Tulowitzki: Between the Rockies and a hard place
When Tulo was sent to the DL he was hitting .152. The last guys to hit roughly .152 in the majors were named Garth Brooks and Billy Crystal. They didn't last longin the major leagues. The word on the street was that Garth Brooks had a lot of hits. Just not any of them in a ball park.
Tulo should return to form from last years promising season, but , clearly there is now pressure on him to put up the numbers that allowed him to sign a gazillion dollar deal with the Rockies.
My good friend , Mike Minter, gave me one of those new fly swatters that acts as an electrified bug zapper at the same time. I am known in our home as simply "the Fly Hunter". I will follow them for hours if one of them has mistakenly crossed into Litton airspace. We live in Parker and the flies here are about the size of fat flying chihuahua's. So this electrically charged fly swatter sounded like a great gift to get from a good friend who knows me well enough to know I hate flies buzzing my head like it was some control tower at DIA. I read the rather cryptic instructions which said something about "when activated the coils should hum." Sounded good to me. Live wires exposed from the wall do indeed buzz if you have enough juice running through them. So I turned it on and listened from a distance so as not to get my ear too close to the coils which would be fully charged with electricity. Sure, I'm an artist but I have no desire to go out like an earless Vincent Van Gogh . I heard no humming so I moved closer to the metal coils. Now somewhere about here my brain took a brief but dangerous leave of absence. I reached down and grabbed the swatters coils to see if there was any current in them. I suddenly smelled a puff of smoke, very much like the one seen in pld Micheal Jackson Pepsi commercial that set Jackson's hair on fire. The stinging pain of electrical current now searing my fingers was fast and furious. The dogs ran for cover probably because my hair now closely resembled Don Kings and my wife pulled the blankets over her head, I would presume for the same reason, though I suppose it could be she feared for her own personal safety. I called Mike Minter and accused him of trying kill me. If you really wanted to knock me off isn't there a better way of doing it than toasting your buddy with an electric fly swatter. Judging from the hysterical laughter on the other end of the phone I'm not sure he agreed. Just a note. The Fly is alive and well and living quite comfortably knowing I have absolutely no shot of ever zapping him into oblivion.