November 13, 2008 5:29 PM
Nope, nothing down here
The Seattle Mariners have started their managerial search. They're not looking internally, because it's very difficult to see in the cellar.The San Diego Padres have withdrawn their contract offer to Trevor Hoffman. Why sign a closer when you plan on winning only seven games?
Former All-Star pitcher Preacher Roe died at age 92. The really sad part is that if he had held on for a few more months, he could have gotten a contract with the Mets.
The woman whom Kansas City running back Larry Johnson assaulted said she has suffered extreme mental anguish. Mainly from having to watch the Chiefs.
Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni has said rookie forward Danilo Gallinari will play only when New York is blowing out other teams. In other words, in the 1990s.
Antawn Jamison has said his winless Wizards are lacking pride. And a starting lineup. But mainly pride.
In preparation for his fight with Manny Pacquiao, Oscar de la Hoya is reportedly having no trouble making 147 pounds. He trimmed off 5 pounds of water weight and 10 pounds of ego.
During a broadcast of a national football game, Phil Sims looked at the camera and called Detroit a disaster. He also had some negative things to say about the Lions.
The Knicks reportedly are pursuing Golden State forward Al Harrington. New York likes the fact that he has a bloated contract and a history of underachievement, but they're still not sure if they can count on him to be a major distraction off the court.
Ryan Leaf has been placed on indefinite leave from his job at West Texas A&M for asking one of his players for a pain pill. Leaf was in a great deal of pain after thinking about his life.
New York City claims the Yankees improperly deducted $11 million from their annual rent on Yankee Stadium. That makes sense, since the Yankees have already written off their next season.
Point guard Earl Watson reportedly wants out of Oklahoma City. Then again, so does half the town.
The Chicago White Sox have invited Barack Obama to throw out the first pitch on Opening Day. The New York Mets have invited him to join their bullpen.
Roy Jones Jr. was soundly outboxed by Joe Calzaghe at Madison Square Garden. When we heard an old has-been got humilated at the Garden, we thought the Knicks rehired Isiah Thomas.
The Detroit Lions signed retired quarterback Daunte Culpepper. As if the Lions need any more help quitting.
Carlos Beltran and David Wright of the Mets each won another Gold Glove. They're hoping to amass enough to barricade the bullpen door.
The New England Patriots have fired one of their cheerleaders after a series of racy photos popped up on her Facebook page. On the positive side, she now has 21 million Facebook friends.
Former college football coach Lou Holtz recently gave a 25-minute pep talk to the Chicago Bulls. That should really come in handy the next time they take the field against Notre Dame.
Magic Johnson reportedly cried all night after Barack Obama beat John McCain to become the country's first African-American president. Granted, he also had the same reaction after watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
The Knicks beat the Bobcats 101-98 to ruin Larry Browns return to Madison Square Garden. The only way the night could have been more satisfying for New Yorkers is if Isiah Thomas spontaneously combusted.
And Boston College has unveiled a life-sized statue of Doug Flutie. The sculpture will also serve as a height chart to determine if fans are tall enough to get into the stadium.
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So) is written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart and Chris Strait.
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