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February 12, 2009 5:01 PM

Now on Nickelodeon, the Chinese gymnasts

Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson will appear on Dancing With the Stars. Meanwhile, Chinese gymnasts will appear on Dora the Explorer.

Congress has no plan to hold a hearing with Alex Rodriguez. Or for doing anything else, for that matter. Rodriguez is relieved, as most Congressmen are a bit too young for his tastes.

Members of a marijuana advocacy group have written a strongly worded letter to Kellogg after the company cut ties with Michael Phelps. Kellogg was able to quiet the group by replying, "Dave's not here, man."

Alex Rodriguez apologized
for his steroid use and expects fans to forgive him, especially since he's never used any in October.

By owning up to his past indiscretions, Alex Rodriguez has shown he's smarter than Barry Bonds. Then again, a single-celled amoeba nursing a hangover is smarter than Barry Bonds.

The Dallas Cowboys have officially cut Pacman Jones. And they did it on a giant mirror with a huge razor blade.

The New York Rangers have expressed interest in Sean Avery. In related news, the rest of the NHL has expressed interest in Sean Avery's sloppy seconds.

Minnesota Timberwolves center Al Jefferson is done for the season with a torn ACL. The rest of the team is done for the season because they're the Timberwolves.

The Cleveland Cavaliers
finally lost a home game. Somehow, the Cleveland Indians have already lost one, too.

The New York Mets are claiming they won't be hurt in any way by Bernie Madoff's web of deceit. Unfortunately, the team can't say the same thing about its bullpen.

Rotund outfielder Andruw Jones has signed a one-year contract with the Rangers. It's official: Everything is bigger in Texas.

The Atlanta Braves offered 42-year-old Tom Glavine a one-year contract. The Braves aren't particularly excited about re-signing Glavine. They just wanted to see a baseball contract written in English.

The participants
in the NBA's first officially sanctioned H-O-R-S-E competition will instead be spelling out G-E-I-C-O. Players are happy the event is not sponsored by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance.

The Continental Basketball Association
has ended its regular season two months early because of a lack of funding. And we'll end this story right now because of a lack of interest.

Animal Planet is producing a new 12-part series that will take viewers into the lives of jockeys. Even though it's 12 parts, it's still a mini-series.

Kobe Bryant became the youngest player in NBA history to reach the 23,000-point plateau, doing so in a game against Oklahoma City Thunder. The record is a bit tainted, since 22,000 of those points came against the Thunder.

American Kelly Clark is the latest winner of the World Cup halfpipe event. The winner of the full pipe event was Michael Phelps.

Kellogg has announced it will not renew its sponsorship deal with Michael Phelps. Fortunately he should have no problem picking up a deal from Honey Bunches of Hemp.

The New York Knicks reportedly are trying to find a new home for Eddy Curry. We hope that wherever this home is, it has reinforced floorboards.

A young Australian named Jason Belmonte is revolutionizing bowling by throwing the ball with both hands. His technique isn't expected to catch on in America since bowlers here like to have at least one hand free for a can of Old Milwaukee.

Troubled running back
Larry Johnson reportedly wants out of Kansas City. Looks like he's not crazy after all.

New documents prove that Barry Bonds tested positive for steroids four times between 2000 and 2003. This is the only time news concerning Barry Bonds will ever be positive.

And Brett Favre says he is retiring yet again. Special thanks to Michael Phelps, Alex Rodriguez and Kobe Bryant for preventing this from being news.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So) is written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy and Chris Strait.


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