February 8, 2007 1:44 PM

Elina Furman on commitment-phobic women

Mark_Wolf(Q) Welcome to Elina Furman, author of the new book Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky and Indecisve Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment. The book's Web site is kissrunbook.com and Elina is scheduled to be on the Today Show on Feb. 12. Tell us about how breaking up with a boyfriend of seven years make you realize you had commitment issues.
Elina_Furman(A) I realized at that point that we had never even talked about moving in together, let alone geting married, and this is after seven years of dating exclusively. At that point, I realized I had serious unexamined fears about commitment and I set out to find out why.

Mark_Wolf(Q) So commitment issues aren't exclusively the domain of the wishy-washy guys so many women complain about?
Elina_Furman(A) Exactly. That's the exact stereotype I wanted to counter. It was very difficult struggling with this issues only to have society tell you that only men have this problem. So I wanted to bring attention to this issue in order to help other women who may be battling their own fears.

Mark_Wolf(Q) How many women did you talk to while researching your book and what were some of the common commitment-phobic traits they shared? One of the consistent things seems to be that these women wanted commitment but were scared of getting involved.
Elina_Furman(A) Yes, I talked to over a hundred women to find out about their relationship ambivalence. All of them had the same conflict between wanting a relationship and wanting to bolt as soon as it got serious. I also found patterns in their behaviors and identified 7 types of commitment phobes, such as The Nit-Picker, Serial Dater, Free Spirit, etc, because the behaviors vary from women to women even though the fear is the same. Some of the most common signs were dating "unavailable" men, having mile-long shopping lists for your ideal mate, and blowing hot and cold in their relationships.

Runnerchk(Q) I have a friend who just turned 40, and in the ten years I've known her, she's never had a boyfriend. Yet she does things like Match.com and social clubs, and says she really wants to get married and is hopeful to have children. She doesn't seem to be commitment phobic but I wish there was something I could do or say to her. Any thoughts?
Elina_Furman(A) I have a ton of girlfriends like this. They say that they want a relationship, but for some reason can never settle down or find someone who's right for them. That is the definition of someone who is commitment phobic. If someone is always out there looking and not finding that is one of the top signs that they may have relationship ambivalence. The first step to solving this issue is admitting you might have commitment issues and then she can start working on it. But unless someone is ready to admit that they need help in this department, there's not much you can do.

Mark_Wolf(Q) Do a lot of women mask commitment issues by claiming they just haven't met their "soul mate" yet?
Elina_Furman(A) That's the most popular and convenient excuse for women. But my response to that is that there's no such thing as the "Accidental Single." Finding love is not about luck, it's about being ready and emotinally open to the possibility of sustaining a lasting and meaningful relationship, which many women are not.

Mark_Wolf(Q) To be clear, you aren't interested in making the case that every single woman out there needs to take the express line to the altar.
Elina_Furman(A) Absolutely not!! This book is not about getting married, nor is it about "you're single, congratulations, you go girl!" It's about makin conscious choices in our lives and resolving the conflicts that drive our behavior. If someone is single and they have chosen this lfiestyle, great. But don't go around feeling sorry for yourself or complaining about there not being enough guys. This book is about owning up your choices, whatever those may be. Of course, for women who do want to commit to someone but find themselves sabotaging every chance for love, the advice in Kiss and Run can really help them reconcile some of their difficulties.

Mark_Wolf(Q) Is there a significant segment of women who simply enjoy being single too much to consider settling down? And do you think those ranks are growing? Would you consider them commitment-phobes?
Elina_Furman(A) Yes, the numbers are definitely growing, especially with the recent NYT stats of 51 percent of women live without a husband. Yes, many women really enjoy being on their own and don't want to make compromises for the sake of a man. I would consider those women commitment phobic, but the fact that they are owning up to their fears is admirable and they should continue to do what makes them happy. More and more women find that they don't have to settle down anymore due to financial independence and career issues. But it's the women who think they're ready for love, but may be sabotaging their chances -- these are the ones I want to help.

Mark_Wolf(P) Elina's new book is "Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment." It's on sale now. For more information visit her Web site: www.kissrunbook.com

Mark_Wolf(Q) Some men don't want to commit to a woman because they believe there's always someone better on the horizon - like Jessica Biel is going to knock on their door and ask for help applying her tanning lotion. Did you see that "greener pastures" notion with many of the women you interviewed?
Elina_Furman(A) Yes, absolutely, especially with the types i called the "Nit Picker" and "Serial Dater." The Nit Pickers always thinks she can find someone better. She's always picking each guy apart looking for that perfect turn off or pet peeve so she can have an excuse to get out of the relationship. The serial dater is the same way. She goes from one short-lived relationship to the next, thinking that the next guy is going to be better, more exciting, smarter. The serial dater enjoys being in a relationship, but doesn't like to feel tied down for fear of missing out on other opportunities. I think the whole issue of commitment phobia, for men and for women, is the fear that you will lose out on the "possibility" of dating all these amazing people. It's not that you would even date them in real life, but when you're single the chance exists. The possibility of flying off to Rome with Colin Firth exists more when you're single that when you're in a relationship, even though it probably woulnd't happen either way.

kristi(Q) How do I know if I really like my BF and am just scared or if he really isn't the right guy for me?
Elina_Furman(A) That is a really good question and one of the main reasons I wrote this book. Many women break up perfectly good relationships because they think that being uncertain or anxious is a sign that their BF is wrong for them or that the relationship isn't working. But that is so untrue. Anxiety is normal. And it's very common to go back and forth when it comes to your feelings about your boyfriend. There's no perfect person for you, and every relationship takes work. You have to figure out if you're happy 80 percent of the time or are 80 percent certain of him. You're never going to be 100 percent sure of anything, so use this rule when making your decision.

Mark_Wolf(C) Elina's new book is "Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment." It's on sale now. For more information visit her Web site: www.kissrunbook.com

jessica0070(Q) I just got out of a long term relationship...What's the differnce between being afraid of commitment and not being ready for a relationship?
Elina_Furman(A) They're basically the same thing. After a long term relationship, it's actually normal to be afraid of commitment because it means you're going to take some time and focus on your own needs for a while. I think it's a good step to avoid relationship altogether lest you in a rebound situation. After you've had time to get over the ex, you may find yourself wanting a relationship again, but probably not for a little while.

Sally(Q) This may be off topic, but do you run across women who only seem to be interested in men when the men are dating (or married, unfortunately) someone else? And then as soon as the man is single, they're not interested any longer...
Elina_Furman(A) That is not off topic at all! In fact, I have a whole chapter devoted to exactly this kind of women, it's called "The Tinkerbell." This type of woman is always going after unavailable men (married, players, wanderers) because she knows there's no chance they will ever settle down with her. That's her way of avoiding commitment.

Sally(Q) Sure, but don't you think that some of these "tinkerbells" are not commitment-phobic, but are instead just interested to see if they can lure a man away from his gf?
Elina_Furman(A) well, if you're more interested in finding a challenge than a relatipnship, you may be commitment phobic

lisa_marie(Q) what do you suggest i do if I'm commitment phobic and sick of being this way?
Elina_Furman(A) I have many tips throughout the book, but some main tips are: Don't Overanalyze -- Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith Don't Panic --- It's normal to have this anxiety Don't Always Trust Your Gut -- Sometimes CP women can't tell the difference between gut instinct and normal nerves about commitment

Mark_Wolf(P) Elina will be a guest on the Today Show on Monday, Feb. 12.
Mark_Wolf(Q) Tell us about your own journey from commitment-phobe to being engaged. Was this just the right guy or did you have to make yourself ready for the right guy?
Elina_Furman(A) It was a long journey and took me a long time to get ready. I had to learn the art of compromise and learning to manage expectations. But of course, once a commitment phobe always a commitment phobe.

Mark_Wolf(Q) I'm curious if you found commitment-phobic women to have the same issues in their careers that they did in their relationships.
Elina_Furman(A) Definitely. As a commitment phobe, I find I do better working as a freelancer. I find that most women like this switch jobs a lot or need more variety in their professions.

Mark_Wolf(Q) Any women we'd recognize from magazine covers strike you as being particularly commitment-phobic?
Elina_Furman(A) Yes...Drew Barrymore is a classic Free Spirit, always on the move and can't settle down for too long...Cameron Diaz is a long-distance runnner, someone who is always in a long relationship but can't seal the deal...And there's Lindsay Lohan, a Player, who uses sex as a way to avoid emotional intimacy...all of these women are commitment phobes

Mark_Wolf(P) Thanks to Elina Furman for her time today and thanks for the excellent questions. You can find Elina's new book Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment at your favorite bookseller. She'll be on the Today Show Monday, Feb. 12.

Elina_Furman(C) Thank you everyone!