March 2, 2007 7:07 PM

Steven Wright: older, still wise, funny

Erika Gonzalez reports from the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen:

Sporting a full beard, a Brown Derby hat and a suit jacket, Steven Wright looked a little older during his show at the Wheeler Opera House Thursday night, but his bizarre one-liners showed no signs of going out of style.
Here's a sampling of jokes from his more than hourlong set:

"The universe is expanding. That should help ease traffic."

"When I was a kid, I used to wish that my first words were 'quote' so when I die my last words could be
"unquote."

"My dog has a Web site. All it is is naked cats."

"A friend of mine is a pilot and the other day we were going to go somewhere and for absolutely no reason he waited 45 minutes before backing out of the driveway."

"I'm in the Jehova Witness' Protection program. I have to go door to door and tell people I'm someone else."

Bob Newhart isn’t just a funny guy, he’s a good friend.

The comedian, no fan of flying, endured a nearly two day trek (which included a canceled flight and severely delayed luggage) to Aspen in order to present longtime buddy Don Rickles with the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival’s Pinnacle Award Thursday night.

“This is an absolute surprise,” said Rickles, who seemed genuinely shocked to see Newhart. “We’ve traveled the world together and I love him.”

“First of all, you don’t think it was my idea, do you?” asked Newhart, who said his wife signed him for award duty. “I told her, ‘’But I have to be in Houston on Saturday’ and she said, ‘it’s right on the way.’”

Even most of the audience was caught off-guard by Newhart’s appearance.

“For him to do what he did to get here, boy I gotta pay for that,” Rickles told the crowd at the Wheeler Opera House.

The Pinnacle Award recognizes Rickles’ more than 50-year comedy career, which director John Landis is also honoring with a documentary, The Rickles Project. Landis screened parts of the uncompleted film as part of Thursday night’s program. The movie blends home movies, classic clips, such as Rickles’ many appearances on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and interviews with fellow comedians and actors.

“Don has nerve. He’s lost his disdain for sensibility,” says Clint Eastwood, who is shown a few seconds later in the film at an awards ceremony where Rickles is calling him a horrible actor.

Landis and Rickles answered questions and shared stories after the screening of the movie, which doesn't have a release date. Rickles recalled playing in clubs where the stages were so tight “the pasta was in my tuxedo.”

He revealed that performing at Ronald Reagan’s Inaugural Ball was one of the most exciting moments of his career. The gig was arranged by Frank Sinatra, who told the ball’s organizers who wanted to vet Rickles’ performance that “If you don’t have Rickles, you don’t have me.”

Rickles also had some advice for up-and-coming comics: “It’s not so much the jokes, it’s the attitude,” said Rickles. “Try to do it with an attitude and you might get the chance to be in a grand ballroom here.”

Ben Kronberg

For the stand-up comics who perform in Aspen, the festival offers a chance to impress industry scouts
who can provide them with a bigger stage. Here are some of the better bits from the stand-ups
showcasing their humor this week:

Local comic Ben Kronberg offers a new take on the screwing in the light bulb joke: “How many Vietnam vets does it take to EVERYBODY DOWN. That joke kills at the VFW.”

“I just bought my own house. It’s right next to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. In Cambodia. It was $15.
I put down $10 and I’m financing the rest.” – Kirk Fox

“I have a great idea for a bumper sticker: I Am a Child Molester. I’m going to sell a bunch of ‘em….. Oh
I should explain, you don’t put it on your own car.That would be ridiculous.” - Shane Mauss.

“I had a conversation with a person who said that racism was dead. And I know that’s not true because my grandparents are still alive,” – John Ramsey

Comedy fans are a hardy bunch.

At least 50 of them braved single digit temperatures here in Aspen Wednesday night, hoping to score a last-minute seat to George Carlin's sold out show – one of the hottest tickets of this year’s U.S. Comedy Arts Festival. And because the closure of the Aspen/Pitkin County Airport made it difficult for
ticket-holders to get to Carlin’s show, many of the fans waiting in the cold got lucky.

Carlin, looking far healthier than he did during his 2005 HBO special, used the appearance to hone new material for an upcoming special for the cable network.

“Let’s face it: I’m here for me, you’re here for me and no one’s here for you,” he told the nearly 400
gathered for the show, which included John Oates of Hall and Oates fame.

Working off material typed on a stack of papers, Carlin touched on everything from growing old (he’s
now 69) to our religious beliefs in his loose, 75-minute performance.

“Everytime someone dies, someone says, ‘I think he’s smiling down on us and I think he’s pleased,” said Carlin. “First of all, there is no up there to be smiling down from. And why is it that no one ever says he might be smiling down at us? Think about it, your dad is for sure down there. Hell is just full of
dads.”

In other festival news, Saturday Night Live star Fred Armisen (he does a mean Prince impression) and comedian Nick Swardson will fill in for director Blake Edwards, who was supposed to be honored Friday night,
but got sick.