May 18, 2007 12:13 PM

Ann Dunnewold on Mommy Madness

Welcome to Ann Dunnewold, author of "Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (And Still Raise Great Kids In the Age of Extreme Parenting). What were you seeing and hearing from your clients that made you want to write this book?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) As a psychologist, moms coming into my office were overwhelmed about doing ever more as moms, to try and keep up and be perfect moms and create the perfect childhood for their children. They were worried about keeping up, and stressed to the max. They wanted to let go of all these unrealistic expectations that society puts on moms, but did not know how. I wrote the book to teach them HOW.

Mark_Wolf(Q) How did parents get so wired up about wanting/needing to control the details of their childrens' lives?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) We live in a culture that keeps raising the bar in terms of achievement: we all want a better life. Women listened to the women's movement, saying we can "have it all" and internalized that idea, for their children and themselves. Working harder and harder to have it all then seems essential.

Mark_Wolf(Q) How did your own experiences as a mother affect what you wrote?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) I personally saw how I was conveying the need to be perfect, which has served me well in getting a Ph.D. in psychology, to my kids. When my two year old said to me "hurry, hurry, it's bad to be late" I knew I had to slow down that push to perfection if I wanted my children to have a balanced life.

Mark_Wolf(Q) Via e-mail from Stacey, who left a full-time journalism career to stay home with her children five years ago. She valued the experience but began to feel frustrated: "I still want to be mom, of course, but I'm feeling incredibly apathetic about the many hours of caring for my children, as well as the household demands. So I have started taking baby steps to return to work. The catch is I don't want to return to a full-time schedule. What are your feelings regarding the employmetn climate for women who want to create what I liek to call a part-time career." I have a lot ot offer - lots of experience and an ability to juggle. I just can't offer more than 15-20 hours a week. Are employers becoming more receptive to workers such as myself? Thanks.
Ann_Dunnewold(A) There are employers who realize the value of an experienced worker, and want to provide an opportunity to find that home/work balance. You might have to keep up the search longer than you think, but it's important to believe in yourself and that you can make a contribution in that part-time format, in order to sell yourself.

Mark_Wolf(Q) Your book title references June Cleaver, the iconic TV mother of the late 1950s/early 1960s. Do today's super-mom media images have an impact on the way today's moms view their place in society?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) Moms do see other moms who are doing it all, and often wonder 'what is the matter with me?' I think it's important to look at how much help many of those moms have:whether paid help or family network. No one can really achieve supermom status in ALL realms without support and help of others--family or paid help.

Mark_Wolf(Q) What is Extreme Parenting?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) Extreme parenting is that over the top, push to perfection on all fronts standard that we see among many parents today. They want perfection on all fronts: domestically, academically, enrichment activities, and protecting their children from emotional and physical harm. The problem is that no one can achieve perfection all the time. We tend to think in black and white, absolute terms--all perfect or all a failure--when we are all human and make mistakes.

Mark_Wolf(Q) What is rebellious mothering?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) Rebellious mothering is the backlash--beta moms, slacker moms--women who say 'forget perfection--it's just not possible.

Mark_Wolf(Q) Does anxiety about parenting affect womens' mental health?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) Absolutely. Too many women are pushing themselves so hard that their adrenaline and cortisol levels (stress hormones) take their toll in terms of insomnia, depression, even physical symptoms like headaches or irritable bowel syndrome.

Mark_Wolf(Q) The fact is, there is more competition for spots in the right schools, for sports coaching at an absurdly early age, for toddlers learning foreign languages. How does an earnest parent who wants the best for their children strike a balance?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) You have to find the perfectly good balance, the middle ground, that works for you and your family. Define your values and what kind of childhood you want your child to remember. Ask 'what kind of adult do I want my child to grow into?' Then keep that definition of what the middle ground is for you in mind when you sign up for activities, agree to parties or teams, etc.

Mark_Wolf(Q) I always wonder what the children think about and how they're affected by being pushed into activity after activity with mom hovering overhead.
Ann_Dunnewold(A) with this kind of hovering, I think we inadvertently convey to our kids that they are not good enough. That they have to do more and more in order to measure up. We need to stop and realize that might not be the lesson we want to teach.

Mark_Wolf(Q) How do you advise women to begin to make the transition to what you refer to as Perfectly Good Mothers?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) Recognize it is nothing the matter with you if you do not 'measure up' to the unrealistic pressures on moms to be a certain way. Define what DOES matter to you as a family, and what lessons about the world that you want to teach. Then take a look at the irrational thinking patterns (my child will be a failure if ...; mothers should ....) that keeps the old way going, and change those thoughts to more rational ones.

Mark_Wolf(Q) Are a lot of "extreme parents" actually doing this for themselves and not their children? Seems as if so many people try to re-live their lives through their children.
Ann_Dunnewold(A) That is often an issue. Many times, that becomes evident when parents try to let go. They feel like they are losing control--and that it rally is comfort with their own sense of self that matters.

Mark_Wolf(Q) So much of what you write about seems to manifest itself on the athletic field; actually, on the sidelines of the athletic fields with parents acting out, sometimes violently, against coaches, officials, other parents they believe have slighted their children.
Ann_Dunnewold(A) Yes, and parents need a healthy dose of perspective here: is the outcome of the game really the point? Does one run or goal really make or break their child's experience of the game? Those absolutes, all or nothing thinking, need to be tempered.

Mark_Wolf(Q) Your book is aimed primarily at women but where does dad need to fit into the equation?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) Dads often get sucked up into extreme parenting too--especially in the sports arena, because that is where they are confident. But dads are not as affected overall as moms because more often fathers define themselves first and foremost as workers, while moms define themselves primarily as mothers, even when they have other work outside the home.

Mark_Wolf(Q) I was struck by your section on protection beliefs. Kids really aren't quite as fragile and childhood not so perilous as many people believe?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) I think that is true. Rates of violence against children really have not risen over the last thirty years. What has changed is our awareness of the dangers because of how news coverage has changed--now 24/7, where it used to be only 30 mins. each evening.

Mark_Wolf(Q) Thanks to Ann Dunnewold, author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box. Any last thoughts you'd like to share?
Ann_Dunnewold(A) Women need to remember three parts to letting go of the anxiety and guilt of parenting: 1) Remember it's not you that doesn't measure up--it's that we have expect more of mothers than any human could deliver. 2) You can define a perfectly good model for your own life. 3) You have to plod away, trying to change the old "all or nothing" perspective in your head, and take credit for all the good you do accomplish with your familly, rather than looking at what you have not done. Thanks for having me on!

Mark_Wolf(P) Thanks to Anne Dunnewold. Her book, Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box is available at bookstores or online at www.hci-online.com