March 12, 2008 3:40 PM
Should Silda Spitzer 'stand by her man'? Author/therapist Michele Weiner-Davis talks about it
We asked Michele Weiner-Davis about Silda Wall Spitzer standing beside her husband, Eliot, during his apology and resignation as New York’s governor after he was implicated in a prostitution scandal. Weiner-Davis is a therapist and best-selling author whose new book is The Sex Starved Wife: What to Do When He’s Lost Desire. She operates the Web site DivorceBusting.com.
What was your first impression when you saw Silda Spitzer standing beside her husband when he acknowledged personal failure, then again when he announced his resignation?
My heart sank seeing the expression on her face. Having worked with couples for almost three decades, I know the pain that comes with infidelity. It truly rocks the very foundation upon which marriages are based. It's devastating. Anyone watching Silda Spitzer had a front row seat to her pain. Couple that with having to face this issue publicly. It must feel like a nightmare.
Also, when you take into account that Governor Spitzer prided himself in tackling difficult moral issues, the hypocrisy must make her feel mortified. In truth, his behavior is not a reflection of her or their marriage, but I'm certain this doesn't lessen her pain in any way.
What does it say to the world when a wife stands next to a husband who is confessing to infidelity?
I generally find people to be quite judgmental. Unless they have faced the reality of infidelity themselves, many people think, "Why in the world would she "stand by her man? It must be strictly political. She can't possibly love him or want to stay with him after such a betrayal." Or perhaps they think she's weak. The truth is, millions of people choose to stay with spouses who have strayed or engaged in unacceptable behavior and there are many good reasons to do so.
As a "Divorce Buster," I can tell you without hesitation that I have helped countless couples to heal from infidelity. I have observed what can happen in marriage when both spouses are willing to do the hard work to get the relationship back on track and rebuild trust. It is by no means a simple task, but infidelity is not a marital deal-breaker. It's a challenging journey but there are sizable payoffs for staying and addressing the issues brought about by the betrayal and perhaps other marital issues. It's said that when a bone breaks and then heals, the scar tissue is even stronger than the bone itself. The same is true for marriage.Did she really have a choice?
They have three daughters. How do you think that factors into the equation?
Because most mothers would want to protect their daughters from this kind of experience, I assume it was important to Silda to be supportive of their father publicly. Like most people experiencing marital difficulties, It's entirely possible that she might consider staying in the marriage and working things out to keep their family intact.
What advice would you give her?
First of all, I would advise her not to make any decision at all until the dust settles. Frequently, our knee jerk responses aren't the best ones in the long run. This is especially true about decisions that greatly impact other people's lives.
Secondly, if she decides to try to work things out, you don't need a degree in psychology to know that this couples needs professional help. He needs individual help as well. And since where you get help can really influence the outcome, they should choose their therapist wisely. As with the general public, many therapists would not understand the goal of preserving the marriage. For advice on choosing a marital therapist, read this article.
Whether Silda decides to stay married or not, I would want to her to know that she will get through this extremely difficult transitional period. Seeking solace with friends and family is obvious but good counsel.
Can this marriage be saved?
If they want to save it, absolutely.
March 13, 2008
7:52 AM
Anonymous writes:
Intrestingly enough, not one of you morons are qualified to say whether she should stand by her man. That is solely between Spitzer and her. What a dumbass topic to debate. Cant wait for the libtards to chime in on how this is all Bush / Cheneys fault
March 13, 2008
7:59 AM
SASQUATCH writes:
Stand by this:
Experts say "Client 9" could face the following charges:
* Money laundering for trying to conceal the source and recipient of financial transactions.
* Tax evasion, if he was a knowing party to an all-cash business that wasn't filing taxes.
* Violation of the Mann Act for paying for the trip from New York to D.C. by the call girl known as "Kristen."
* Misuse of state resources, if he used his state-issued credit card for hotels or meals with prostitutes as well as if he was being protected by State Troopers during his dalliances.
* And finally, soliciting prostitution.
There's also the question of whether Spitzer used campaign funds for these trysts, which opens up a whole other litany of charges from fraud to federal election violations.
Court documents and published reports indicate perhaps as much as $80,000 were transferred from Spitzer's account to a trio of dummy companies that were fronts for the escort service.
As you can see, this is no laughing matter for the former governor. Money laundering alone carries a maximum 20 years in prison.
March 13, 2008
8:37 AM
Little Foot writes:
Big Foot-
No matter how you paint it, he's not going to prison.
Kenyon Martin, a NBA basketball player gets preferential treatment driving 100 mph on Speer at Denver country club. You and I go to jail, contribute $5,000 to the Denver police pension fund in fines, lose license.
He ain't going to prison, those charges will be dropped in a plea.
March 13, 2008
8:41 AM
Anonymous writes:
Silda's "pain" wasn't enough to stop her from encouraging Eliot not to resin. Her need for "power" was greater than her tolerance for "pain." This is not a marriage, its a business arrangement...sound familiar?
March 13, 2008
8:54 AM
Anonymous writes:
LF:
OK, 90 days in the slammer, 1 year community service, 3 years probation...and possibly disbarred. Career over at 48; ES sends his resume to Jiiffy Lube. Silda bolts after their oldest daughter complains that daddy's bimbo was only a few years older than her. Eliot's life is a trainwreck.
So far there have been no pleas or deals. That will certainly happen but ES doesn't walk untouched.
March 13, 2008
9:03 AM
Oprah writes:
Silda is likely very codependent. This is a condition when, due to a number of reasons such as insecurity or low self-esteem, women tend to lose themselves, and live vicariously through their husbands. Codependent women are often attracted to men who are narcissistic, highly placed public figures, athletes or political leaders.
March 13, 2008
9:09 AM
Tree writes:
8:41 has a point.
We have no idea what their marriage was like behind closed doors. We assume they loved each other like giddy honeymooners.
She's standing by her vested interest. His job, his income is her vested interest. What terms and how he exits stage left is her financial future just as much as his. Stand by your man and take him for everything he has is that name of that song. It's the motto of our country. Starts at the top down.
Now that she knows she was treated like an Enron employee with promises, she's holding the hall pass. Hope she uses it and doinks the pool boy, lawn boy and tree boy, living in trees has its moments. Let the neighbors know, Mrs. Robinson is back and hungry.
March 13, 2008
9:43 AM
NDeeZ writes:
I WAS in that position, and I WAS ready to work things out (she wanted to move on, so she did.) I think what changes it all is that while ours was a VERY private matter, theirs played out live on TV. I wouldn't have stood in front of TV cameras in silent support of her public humiliation of me. End of story.
March 13, 2008
9:47 AM
Shaggy writes:
8:41,
You may be right and yes it does sound just like the Clinton relationship.
At least Spitzer was paying for it instead of forcing them to do it.
March 13, 2008
10:30 AM
Anonymous writes:
Bottom Line: Spitzer should have reduced his "Bimbo Footprint" by buying "Hooker Credits" from Al Gore.
March 13, 2008
10:50 AM
Crouton writes:
10:30 - I dang near just sprayed my coffee at my monitor. Funniest post of the day!
March 13, 2008
12:14 PM
ML writes:
Uhhh, Shaggy, since when did Clinton "force" Monica to do anything? Or is this another one of your conspiracies?
March 13, 2008
1:13 PM
Shaggy writes:
Wasn't talking about Monica.
Try again...you have many to choose from, unfortunately, that had the misfortune of Bill Clintons unwanted advances where a few of the women said it was more like him raping them.
Remember, he was impeached, he just wasn't forced out of office because his time was up anyways.
However, Bill did lose his license to practice Law.
But then again, some people think O.J. is innocent....
The more vile and reprehensive the Clintons become, the more their die hards love them and put lipstick them.
Go figure
March 13, 2008
1:26 PM
DR writes:
And what does Ann Coulter think of all this?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucac/20080312/cm_ucac/whoreablebehavior;_ylt=AvHxvmcOHXJCTjmWeFQmQzms0NUE
March 13, 2008
2:26 PM
Shaggy writes:
What's up DR,
Hows the pikin coming?....Still no time?
March 13, 2008
2:39 PM
DR writes:
Hey Shaggy -
I'm getting a little practice in each week, but this probabilities and statistics class I'm in right now doesn't leave a lot for much else. I think it was invented as a form of torture in Nazi Germany, and they just killed everyone who couldn't do it. Oh well, it won't go on forever. I'll be done in October, and then I'm taking a week or two off and drinking beer and picking the guitar.
March 13, 2008
3:32 PM
jimi99 writes:
It's the same old double standard. I believe that a lot of couples practice "open marriage" and to suggest that the wife isn't getting some on the side TOO is just sexist and naive both. In fact during the Lewinsky "scandal" when Hillary was reaping all that sad commiseration, I just thought "she's probably got a young stud or two stashed away." I'm a liberal Democrat and what I'm saying is not condemnation but praise--right on, free love, down with the morality police and the stone-casting press too!!!
March 13, 2008
3:58 PM
Anonymous writes:
jimi99, hill was probably more along the lines of having a young wench or two on the side, which i'm not putting down, but just trying to help keep things real
March 13, 2008
4:17 PM
Born To Suck writes:
jimi99, hill was probably more along the lines of having a young wench or two on the side, which i'm not putting down, but just trying to help keep things real
March 13, 2008
5:20 PM
ML writes:
Could be that Spitzer's father is worth half a billion dollars...naaah.
March 13, 2008
9:54 PM
Nate writes:
Has everyone in America forgotten that Hillary Clinton did this exact same thing with her husband Bill affairs with Monica,Paula Jones and maybe others?
Why did people applaud her for "standing by her man" when Bill repeatedly cheated on her?
March 13, 2008
9:55 PM
Nate writes:
Has everyone in America forgotten that Hillary Clinton did this exact same thing with her husband Bill's affairs with Monica,Paula Jones and maybe others?
Why did people applaud her for "standing by her man" when Bill repeatedly cheated on her?
March 14, 2008
2:01 PM
Shaggy writes:
Nate,
We haven't forgotten.
Isn't it ironic that Hillary is a feminist, sticking up for womens rights and yet she is the most cheated on women in America.
Isn't she suppose to be tough?
Maybe she has a couple intern girls her self, maybe she shares them with her husband.
She might even smoke cigars as far as we know...
March 14, 2008
9:50 PM
daylight writes:
Only in America is such a big deal made about this. Look, he washn't in love, and it wasn't someone who admired him or would show up to threaten the marriage otherwise. This marriage has a good chance of surviving, if only the public and friends don't put huge pressure and humiliation on them. They are all still the same people they were before, and he can get help to deal with the problem.
Also, people are assuming that his wife is a willing bedroom partner. That's an interesting assumption given how common it is for women to lose interest in sex after many children. Not that should ever be an excuse for the husband, but it could be a factor that needs to be addressed in a reconciliation.
March 15, 2008
9:30 AM
roger44 writes:
Would she stand by him if he were broke? Doubt it-money talks, Bs walks, pretty simple.
March 15, 2008
6:49 PM
JB writes:
I hate that people assume she's in it for power, money, greed, etc... like shaggy, I too was in this HORRIBLE situation. It is absolutley devestating when you love someone for a very long time and then find out that you've been betrayed, lied to, etc. The love you feel for that person doesn't dissappear in a blink of an eye. Your history, the good times, the bad, YOUR memories, the closeness that you believed you shared is still there. Often, you do want to try to work it out, to understand why the cheating happened and to correct that. Many couples do correct it and go on to be happy for a lifetime...others fail and others still fake it.
Just please don't bash this woman either way until you've been in her shoes.