[an error occurred while processing this directive]

LATEST SUBMISSIONS

Carbon Footprint Reduction for Denver: Mayor Juan's 4 H Plan.

Monday, June 25 at 12:01 AM

This Speakout has not been edited

By Petro Alexandrovich, Denver

Upon review of Denver Mayor Juan Hickenlooper's plan to fight global warming I would make a suggestion that the scooter riding restaurant owner set the standard with his own carbon footprint. I'm sure if Mayor Juan sets such an example, it would have everyone following in his footsteps to match his resolve in reducing carbon emissions thereby becoming an authentic documented carbon negative Denver dude.

Let's start with closing all of the Mayor's gasronomic establishments.
When one starts to calculate how much carbon soot just one of these operations adds to the thin and already polluted high altitude atmosphere Denver is bathed in, it clouds the mind, dulls the senses, and intoxicates the imagination.

Let's look a little more carefully. The Mayor's kitchen operations spew forth plumes of grilled flesh polluting exhaust into our mile-high air, as do all of the delivery trucks coming to and fro while delivering produce and products to replenish the larders. Every customer driving to the various mayoral watering holes adds an unnecessary contaminant load into the air with all of their vehicles firing up and heading for happy hour. Traffic congestion would drop around the eateries as would the by-products of excessive alcohol consumption, which often involve high discharges of testosterone into the surrounding environment and drug contaminated urine into the waste water treatment facilities.

By encouraging eating closer to home (within walking distance) His Honor would certainly be supporting local neighborhood economies. All food served at all establishments should by logical extension, therefore, come from a local source determined by the previous metric as well. The latter would encourage local backyard gardens to blossom, and provide summer jobs for all the feral juveniles released from the public school day care systems during the summer months. The concomitant drop in graffiti as all of these artsy expressive types are pre-occupied with the business of agriculture, doing the work Americans have been loathe to do, would be a boon as well.

After a long hard day tilling the soil, weeding, watering, and de-bugging the garden (organic of course) these youthful workers would be too tired to pursue any of the hooliganism typical of destructive juvenile excesses. Their bodies would also benefit from the physical exercise, and the endemic of juvenile obesity would undoubtedly decline. The only glitch would be that we would need Governor Ritter to insure that the stringent requirements for violation of the agricultural trespass laws be relaxed to allow for such activities.

Possibly the allegedly honorable Judge Larry Manzanares could monitor the specifics of the program as part of his community service obligations, and as Denver's preeminent agricultural trespasser and parking lot laptop entrepreneur.

Our honorable and glorious Mayor should issue a decree mandating that nobody be allowed to drive an internal combustion vehicle anywhere (including work) unless a carbon-footprint audit is filed in advance, and that all necessary carbon offsets are in place to make the drive a net neutral carbon event.

These documents must be verified by a reputable neutral organization such as CH2M Hill with no conflicts of interest, obviously. They would also be handsomely compensated for making sure the carbon offsetting scheme did not appear too fraudulent. We wouldn't want those pesky tax payers to get suspicious and start calling those rabid-right-radio talk shows.

And of course, after closing his various eateries, the glorious Mayor would use these same establishments to house the homeless: Hickenlooper's Homeless Harmony Housing. A simple reconfiguration would provide for hundreds of bunk beds to be stacked into his establishments thereby solving the downtown homeless problem in one single decisive blow. They would have their own kitchen facilities and built in brewery in some lucky cases, and would never have to venture out onto those cruel city streets.

This could all be accomplished before the Democratic convention shows up in town and would set a national example for homeless solutions coupled with carbon reductions. In fact, delegates to the DNC convention could buy tickets to visit the Mayor's 4-H program, thereby capitalizing this wonderful project.

Let's vote for this brilliant plan today- call Mayor Juan's office to encourage him in taking this daring step. Then I would suggest it is Mayor Juan for Commandante of the Glorious red state of Colorado, our first hybrid Hispanic politician.

READER COMMENTS

Hello! Good Site! Thanks you! nupvzzelzezbni

Posted by xhykljjfdw on August 6, 2007 12:32 PM