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By Sandy Lahmann, Silverthorne

I’m a 45-year-old woman disabled from multiple sclerosis. It has been my experience that there are a lot of able-bodied people who could use a few lessons in interacting with the disabled population. I continually encounter unknowing persons who keep putting their feet in their mouths and annoy the heck out of me. Or worse.

Rather than always complaining to my disabled friends, I thought I might use this forum to offer a few lessons to the able-bodied.

The first lesson of our course (we’ll call it Disability 101) is directed to the woman I met in the grocery store parking lot last Monday who wanted to push me. I was in my wheelchair. I’m not always in my wheelchair. It depends on if I’m having a good day or a bad day and how far I need to go. But Monday, I was in my wheelchair.

I had taken my wheelchair out of the back of my Subaru, plopped my butt down in it, and started organizing my keys, my purse, and the batting gloves I use when I’m interested in speed.
Along comes some woman I’d never seen before who asks if she can push me.

Asking me if you can push me implies that I am helpless and I am stupid. I’d have to be stupid to put myself in a situation where I was by myself in a parking lot and was incapable of moving.
Perhaps I shouldn’t complain. At least she asked first and accepted my response of “No, thank you. I’m fine.”

I’ve had other times when people start pushing me without asking. It is the ultimate in rudeness to start pushing me without allowing me the opportunity to choose. Just because I’m disabled doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to choose.

At other times I’ve had people ask me if they can push me, but when I say, “No, thank you. I’m fine,” they get angry at me for not allowing them to push me. Apparently they want to do their good deed for the day and I’m not cooperating. Guess what? I’m not your good deed for the day.
Find a different one.

There are times I might be struggling with my wheelchair a little. Maybe in the snow. Maybe going up a hill. I’ve only had this wheelchair for the last year and a half and I’m not in it every day. But I want to struggle and I want to conquer. The more I do it, the better I get, the stronger I become, the more confident I become, the more independent I become. Would you deny me that?

And frankly, your offer to push me sounds a little silly considering I’ve handcycled up Vail Pass multiple times and I mono-ski (sit-ski) on the blacks on Peak 10 at Breckenridge.

So next time you see me in the grocery store parking lot, instead of approaching me and asking if you can push me, why not instead comment on what a gorgeous day it is? Groan and moan with me about the remodeling work going on in the store, “I don’t know where anything is anymore!” In other words, treat me like a regular person, because I am a regular person.

Then, while we’re chatting and shooting the breeze, if I need anything, I’ll ask you. If I don’t ask you for anything, I’m fine. However, you may have some difficulty keeping up with me while I spin around the aisles in the store. Is there a speed limit?

Sandy Lahmann is a resident of Silverthorne.

READER COMMENTS

I've been in and out of a chair for over two years now... mostly in, unfortunately. Like Sandy, I like to struggle and overcome. UNLIKE her, though, I greatly appreciate it when someone offers to help me. There have been times when I couldn't get up the ramp and into my van, and many times in the supermarket when I can't reach items on a high shelf. It's at time like those that I relay on others to help me avoid a very inconvenient situation. I'm grateful for that help.

Sure, it's common courtesy to ask before helping, especially before pushing, someone in a wheelchair. I don't see it as 'part of my body,' but it is part of my personal space.

So, folks, if you see someone who is disabled and appears they may benefit from a little assistance, please do make a polite offer of help. I, for one, will appreciate it.

I think people don't want to accept what Ms. Lahmann is saying. She's not saying (at least how I read it) go ahead and ask if I need help and I'll tell you whether or I do or not. She's saying DON'T EVEN ASK. For example, she ridicules those who might have the gall to ask: "frankly, your offer to push me sounds a little silly considering I’ve handcycled up Vail Pass multiple times." and says "Asking me if you can push me implies that I am helpless and I am stupid." I don't think she's merely saying ask first. I think she's saying bug off and leave me alone I don't need your help.
I have never helped someone without asking. And I can't imagine starting to push someone's wheel chair without asking first. I get the idea that the wheelchair feels like an extension of your body and that it's impolite to touch first and ask later. That's common sense to me. And my offer to help is not an effort to achieve sainthood or otherwise stroke my ego. My offer to help is merely an offer to help - nothing more nothing less. Where I think Ms. Lahmann really offends me is that she writes so angrily about those who are really only well-meaning. I know it's not easy to accept help. And if people touch Ms. Lahmann when she doesn't want to be touched, we can all agree that's not good and they should not do so. If that's all she was saying, I don't think this article would be so controversial. But I think what she is saying is stop asking me if I need help, don't dare help me without my permission and even though I look weak I am stronger than you. I suspect, if I knew Ms. Lahmann, I never would have thought to feel sorry for such a capable and strong woman. However, in this article, she comes off as basically resentful and angry at people just trying to do the right thing by offering her help. Which reveals her as insecure and scared. And now, ironically, I feel sorry for her.
I know this is long but one more point - I'm not pregnant but people VERY frequently assume I am. They ask me friendly questions about when my baby is due and am I trying for a girl, etc. It's hurtful because I hate looking pregnant. But there are medical reasons why I do and I can't do much more about it than I am already. However, the fact remains, every single person that enquires about my health or offers me a seat is only trying to be nice. And I have to accept that. And when I say gently that I'm not expecting, they feel worse than I do. Sometimes I let them think I'm pregnant just so I don't have that awful moment. Ms. Lahmann's article reminded me I need to remember that no one is trying to hurt my feelings, imply I'm incapable or otherwise insult me. They are just being friendly.

One day my mother and I were in the grocery store.We went up this one isle and walked past an older man in a wheelchair looking down a a small list in his hand.
We walk past him then I turned around and went back . I asked him if he needed some help. He said his wife had given him a list of things to get and one of those things was a can of chili with meat and no beans.
The cans were up higher than he could reach and read . So we I went through the different brands and prices with him and handed each one to him so he could decide. he made his decision and thanked me very much for my kindness.
I told him it was my pleasure and asked him if he needed anymore help with his list. He said no, that was the last thing .I wished him a good day and he thanked me again.
He waved at me when my mother and I were at the check out lane ,he was in another check out. his smile warmed my heart.

When my mother and I were loading our groceries in the van,she turned and said to me. " I knew I brought you up right" I cherish that moment because my mother died 4 years ago. I'll never forget that beautiful memory that man gave me.

Hi Folks,
I'm in a wheelchair and just want to make a quick comment. Apples are apple and oranges are oranges a disability is a disability. It is what it is. My wheel chair is part of my body and extension of me. My legs for God's sake ask ! if your going to touch me. Common courtosey. I ask people if they need help abole bodyed or not..Ask me and I will say no thank you have a great day. When is the next lesson?

Hi Everyone.

Let's not escolate or get out of hand on this subject. I'm a wheelchair userin Carbondale Colorado and here are my thoughts. First I dont see a lot of hate.Call it what it is a disability is a disability. I catch myself on many occasions asking Able Bodyed people if they need help.It would be nice if everyone treated each other with kindness and respecrt.
I'm in a wheelchair and an atholite. When I was abole bodyed I would not go out of my way but I would ask people in wheelchairs or just having a hard time if they needed help. Common courtosey.
My first lesson to everyone in the class of Disability 101 is to learn that a wheelchair is not a wheelchair but is an extention of my body. Like it or not it's part of me and I have learned to like it infact love it as part of my body. I dont think anyone likes to be pushed around or touched with out first giving permission. If asked, I have no problem with saying no thankw you have a good day.aJust keep in mind my wheelchair is part of me. My legs. Thanks I'm looking forward to the next class.

Folks Both sids of the conversation should look at the motivation,understanding, and proper help required in any given situation .
The oppertunity to help each other and create possibly a human interaction far outweighs the misconceptions that is being thrown around. when in doubt Ask. I am no diffrent than you other than my mode or means of movement. There is nothing wrong with respect and compassion. Thanx sandy for making us all think

I think a lot of the frustration that Sandy experiences is valid. I, too, am in a wheelchair. I dont mind when people ask me if I need help because I know that they are being nice. There is an inner feeling that we are looked at as helpless and I think that is what Sandy is trying to point out. There are times when I do need assistance and ask for it. I always appreciate help when I need it.

When it comes to pushing my chair, I dont mind when people ask if I need a push. 99.999% of the time I do not need it and I will politely say, no thank you. I have been in a wheelchair for almost 3 years now and the only times that I have fallen out of my wheelchair is when someone was pushing me. Each of those times I told the person who was pushing me to please not and they did not listen. I have since cut the push handles off of my chair to prevent that from happening because I can get hurt from it.

I guess the bottom line is this... Assistance is appreciated when it is warrented but please do not force it.

Fellow Commentators,
Would you voluntarily tell a fat person to eat healthier foods (or ask them if they need help eating healthier)? If that fat person asked for your help and advice on what they could eat to be healthier, would you then help them? Same concept. Just because you have a good heart and mean well, does not mean it is the right thing to do.

BRAVO SANDY! for all you have accomplished, and for goodness sake I will stop if you flag me down in the snow because your van broke down!

Geesh, all of the posters here (except raoul) appear to be IDIOTS.

All that she is saying is...don't touch her. If you want to help, ask "would you care for some help?". She considers her chair an extension of herself, which is her prerogative. It's personal. The fact that you would get upset about it proves her point....apparently helping her is all about YOU.

Sandy

Thanks for the letter. It was insightful for the rest of us who haven't had to experience such limitations.

Some might consider your stubborn-like resoluton to be independent as lacking gratitude or being obstinate.

However, I say keep on keeping on (in your own gritty way) since most would, possibly begrudgingly, have to commend you for having the inclination to be self-sufficient in light of all the reasons it would be easy feel like a victim.

Now, a question: Can we get some snow soon, please? I'm ready to ski.

Sandy what do you say to someone who tells you to piss off when you want them to get you something off a higher shelf? It works both ways.

I am sorry if you are offended that people offer to help. I know that I sometimes I get that "I don't need your help look" from people that I offer my seat to on the bus or train because they are pregnant, elderly, or seem overwhelmed. However, for the most people they are grateful. If I am struggling to open a door or to carry heavy bags, please help me if I appear to need a helping hand. It is the right thing to do. If I rudely say No, then just pray for me.

I'll remember your letter as I drive past you after your van gets stuck in the snow this winter.

Thanks for saving me the trouble of trying to help your sorry butt.

I couldn't believe the hatred in this article. You seem to be filled with anger and misery directed at people who are offering to help you. There have been so many times I've offered to help someone who was differently abled and they were entirely grateful. Now, every time I see someone in a wheel chair trying to navigate a curb that's too high or a person on oxygen struggling to get their equipment out of their car or a person on crutches who just slipped on an icy sidewalk, I'm going to have a moments hesitation while I remember your article. Fortunately, if I think about it, I'll remember that you were just bitter and that you don't really represent the majority of wonderful people who are differently abled and sometimes just needs the slightest helping hand. I myself need a helping hand every once in a while and I'm always grateful when it's offered. Good for you for being as independant as you are. Shame on you for acting like it's a federal offense to offer help when it may or may not be needed.

The writer will in about a year be complaining,No one pays any attention to me! I'm Disabled!

The writer is much more rude than the people just trying to help.

Struggle and conquer on!!
BTW, you're not getting more of MY tax dollars then the able bodied, are you?
I didn't think so. I'm sure that YOU refuse to accept the "help" of unidentified others that you don't know, do you?
Perhaps you should wear a sign,"No, I don't want any help!!"
That way, you won't be angered further, and the rest of us won't be wasting our time.
Just a thought.

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